In the morning my 3 Australian roommates swore up and down that the “New Europe Walking Tour” was the best tour the city had going. It was 4 hours long and it was FREE. They told me to request a guy named Max as he was both handsome and hysterical. At the tour’s meeting point I asked a chubby indian girl with 3rd world exzcema if Max was leading a tour that day. “No he’s not, and I’m offended that you would even ask.” Egads. So of course Ms Leprosy was my tour guide, resplendent in terrible jokes and non-stop hiccups. Fortunately the information was incredibly interesting, so I hung in there for about 2.5 hours. During our lunch break I stopped at a placed called “Oink” where a roast pig is sat in the front window. When you get a sandwich, they literally pull the meat off the pig and put it in a bun. I gagged on every bite.
The White Hart Inn: Est 1516
View of the castle through an alley
I had to duck out of the walking tour early because I had Fringe tickets to see Rhys Darby. Rhys is my favorite character on “The Flight of the Conchords”, a ginger New Zealander who was apparently the Belle of the Fest last year. Well, I don’t know what happened between last year and this year, but Rhys was unfunny. Defunny. Antifunny. I was sitting in the front row (like a proper nerd) but all I could do was smile encouragingly and then sigh with relief when it was over. I needed a drink.
I headed to the Haymarket to have a drink at Maggie Dicksons pub. In the olden days, the Haymarket is where public hangings took place. Maggie Dickson is famous for being hung, pronounced dead, and then waking up in her coffin a few minutes later. She was already punished for her crime so she was off the hook. Bazoingo!
Haymarket
After a couple drinks I headed across the road to attend a free show that caught my eye. It was called “The Laughter Police”, and it was a one-man show starring a copper named Alfie who is still actively serving as a police officer in England. His show is part standup comedy and part retelling insane stories of things that have happened to him. I was one of 5 people in the room (and one of them was his wife). This broke my heart as Alfie was HYSTERICAL. I was doubled-over crying for most of the hour. This guy was sooo not polished and slick, he was just an average Joe telling crazy stories about his life and he was incredible. After his performance I begged about 50 flyers off him to post in my Hostel. His wife came up and thanked me for my laugh. “It’s very, very loud.” Yes, I’ve been told that.
Later that night I met up with my 3 Australian roommates in the New Town. So far I had only been in the Old Town, the historic quarter of Edinburgh. The New Town looks a lot like Bath–very Georgian and stately. We went to the Voodoo club for a couple free Fringe show–one was a contortionist comedian who was the spitting image of Russel Brand. He looked like him, sounded like him, acted like him. A guy in the audience was having his bachelor party and was surrounded by about 20 very handsome Scots. I kept elbowing the Australians telling them we should go leach onto their party. My ladies were very unreceptive. Later on the contortionist began heckling the Aussies and he asked two of the girls how they knew each other. “She’s my girlfriend”. Ahhhh… Lesbians. That explains it.
The second comedy show was also excellent (except for one shitty female comedian who told me to stop laughing so loud). Bitch, you’re not even that funny! I’m just drunk! Also, stop hurting my feelings.
I hit my pillow around 1am, so proud that I finally did something social in Edinburgh
